Hi Kate thank you for describing the complex experience I have when travelling but hadn't been able to articulate in such detail. I've just come back from a month long trip to India where I packed as a writer and adventurer but also as a late diagnosed woman who ‘needs’ certain items in my daily life to fulfill routines and the end result was a ridiculous amount of planning and anxiety inducing to-do lists - yes I did take my own smoothie maker to the Himalayas 😂 I take longer trips as it takes me so long to assimilate to new surroundings and calm my nervous system after the airport and flying (it took 13 days this time) that I don't feel like I've had a holiday unless I can have a few settled days in the place I so desperately want to explore and enjoy. Of course, taking such lengthy trips means I can’t have many and they take months to prepare. I idenitify with everything you describe and particularly that moment when everyone stands up on the plane frantically trying to get their overhead luggage and the cabin doors are still closed - it’s a tension I find extremely hard to tolerate! Thank you so much for sharing 😊
Thank you too Hannah. (Respect for the smoothie maker up the Himalayas 😆). I’m finding that this unusually long stay in one place, for me, is helping me settle and acclimatise, as you say. Usually I’m chasing dopamine by visiting things and getting burned out. The power of slower travel and longer trips seems a good way to accommodate your own needs.
Thank you for this. I’ve had the hardest time since I realized I was masking, and in recent days I’ve found it so exhausting. My husband is the person I mask around the least, and he has been so kind and patient while I navigate this late diagnosis. I’m still learning about myself and my brain, and I don’t think I am autistic but my ADHD definitely comes with sensory issues I didn’t realize impacted me as much as they do.
Thank you as always, Kate, for your insightful observations.
Our norm is so, well, 'normal' to us that it's all too easy to forget the numerous and never-ending accommodations we make, on a daily basis, for the impact of other's actions on us. (In this case, that's the jarring fiings of your nail painter, the shock touch-without-asking body scan of the guy in the airport. And all your fellow travellers' up-at-once motions on the plane landing.) At least the nail technician noticed your wincing.
How do we strike the balance between highlighting our mostly-invisible-to-others' reactions - in order to raise awareness of our differences and discomforts/distresses - and protecting ourselves from others' confused, indifferent or negative responses when we do?
I can wear the sunflower lanyard in the supermarket (though only do so when my internal distress threatens to make itself outwardly known) and certainly would do at the airport (except I don't fly). But I remember wearing it to choir practice once during stand-six-feet-away-from-me Covid days, and a woman I'd known for years came up and demanded, "Where's your mask, missus?!" She had no idea what the lanyard meant at all...
I keep meaning (and forgetting) to make myself a lift-the-flap badge to wear, with 'Hidden disability' scribed on the outside, and 'ADHD and dyspraxic' exposed on being lifted. Except I imagine 95% of folks would either not notice or 'politely' ignore it - while the curious other 5% (ADHD anyone??) would impulsively reach out without warning to lift the flap! Own goal :(
A further disadvantage for many of us with ADHD is the mismatch between our outer excitability and habit of engaging with anybody and everybody - with our inner brain finally recognising our noisy and chaotic mouths and body language are totally out of synch with our rapidly draining down internal batteries. How do we even begin to communicate our need to withdraw from others when our signalling is saying the complete opposite?
Yes-you put that inner/outer mismatch really well. I’m hopeful that enough practice of firmly/politely/kindly stating our needs (once we’ve paused enough to work out what they are) will make it easier & more automatic. (And there are cards-the NAS has example ones as templates) that you could produce from your bag/wallet in sticky situations. Yet another thing I also keep meaning to sort out and forgetting.
I've recently broken my foot and had surgery to fix it back together with metal hardware. My senses and emotions are completely overwhelmed. Next week I'm having cast number three removed with a cast saw, before being manipulated back into another fibreglass cast. I haven't dared to mention I have a diagnosis of ADHD and autism because of previous experiences of invalidation. I think the words would just get stuck behind silent tears ... but maybe I should. Apparently you can ask for a break
So sorry to hear that Susie. I was just talking to a friend about how incidents that occur to us as ND folk can have really ongoing, deep rippling effects at multiple levels that might not be recognised by those around us. Asking for a break sounds like a great idea. Perhaps, if you didn’t feel safe enough in being understood to say you are AuDHD, you could say you have a lot of sensory sensitivities and might find the process quite difficult, so ask them to keep letting you know what will be happening during it.
Hi Kate thank you for describing the complex experience I have when travelling but hadn't been able to articulate in such detail. I've just come back from a month long trip to India where I packed as a writer and adventurer but also as a late diagnosed woman who ‘needs’ certain items in my daily life to fulfill routines and the end result was a ridiculous amount of planning and anxiety inducing to-do lists - yes I did take my own smoothie maker to the Himalayas 😂 I take longer trips as it takes me so long to assimilate to new surroundings and calm my nervous system after the airport and flying (it took 13 days this time) that I don't feel like I've had a holiday unless I can have a few settled days in the place I so desperately want to explore and enjoy. Of course, taking such lengthy trips means I can’t have many and they take months to prepare. I idenitify with everything you describe and particularly that moment when everyone stands up on the plane frantically trying to get their overhead luggage and the cabin doors are still closed - it’s a tension I find extremely hard to tolerate! Thank you so much for sharing 😊
Thank you too Hannah. (Respect for the smoothie maker up the Himalayas 😆). I’m finding that this unusually long stay in one place, for me, is helping me settle and acclimatise, as you say. Usually I’m chasing dopamine by visiting things and getting burned out. The power of slower travel and longer trips seems a good way to accommodate your own needs.
Thank you for this. I’ve had the hardest time since I realized I was masking, and in recent days I’ve found it so exhausting. My husband is the person I mask around the least, and he has been so kind and patient while I navigate this late diagnosis. I’m still learning about myself and my brain, and I don’t think I am autistic but my ADHD definitely comes with sensory issues I didn’t realize impacted me as much as they do.
Wow...I see myself in this...so fascinating!
Thank you as always, Kate, for your insightful observations.
Our norm is so, well, 'normal' to us that it's all too easy to forget the numerous and never-ending accommodations we make, on a daily basis, for the impact of other's actions on us. (In this case, that's the jarring fiings of your nail painter, the shock touch-without-asking body scan of the guy in the airport. And all your fellow travellers' up-at-once motions on the plane landing.) At least the nail technician noticed your wincing.
How do we strike the balance between highlighting our mostly-invisible-to-others' reactions - in order to raise awareness of our differences and discomforts/distresses - and protecting ourselves from others' confused, indifferent or negative responses when we do?
I can wear the sunflower lanyard in the supermarket (though only do so when my internal distress threatens to make itself outwardly known) and certainly would do at the airport (except I don't fly). But I remember wearing it to choir practice once during stand-six-feet-away-from-me Covid days, and a woman I'd known for years came up and demanded, "Where's your mask, missus?!" She had no idea what the lanyard meant at all...
I keep meaning (and forgetting) to make myself a lift-the-flap badge to wear, with 'Hidden disability' scribed on the outside, and 'ADHD and dyspraxic' exposed on being lifted. Except I imagine 95% of folks would either not notice or 'politely' ignore it - while the curious other 5% (ADHD anyone??) would impulsively reach out without warning to lift the flap! Own goal :(
A further disadvantage for many of us with ADHD is the mismatch between our outer excitability and habit of engaging with anybody and everybody - with our inner brain finally recognising our noisy and chaotic mouths and body language are totally out of synch with our rapidly draining down internal batteries. How do we even begin to communicate our need to withdraw from others when our signalling is saying the complete opposite?
Yes-you put that inner/outer mismatch really well. I’m hopeful that enough practice of firmly/politely/kindly stating our needs (once we’ve paused enough to work out what they are) will make it easier & more automatic. (And there are cards-the NAS has example ones as templates) that you could produce from your bag/wallet in sticky situations. Yet another thing I also keep meaning to sort out and forgetting.
(Re last para) No time like the present, Kate! 😉
Thanks for the NAS templates reminder: I need to revisit and actually print out this time!
I've recently broken my foot and had surgery to fix it back together with metal hardware. My senses and emotions are completely overwhelmed. Next week I'm having cast number three removed with a cast saw, before being manipulated back into another fibreglass cast. I haven't dared to mention I have a diagnosis of ADHD and autism because of previous experiences of invalidation. I think the words would just get stuck behind silent tears ... but maybe I should. Apparently you can ask for a break
So sorry to hear that Susie. I was just talking to a friend about how incidents that occur to us as ND folk can have really ongoing, deep rippling effects at multiple levels that might not be recognised by those around us. Asking for a break sounds like a great idea. Perhaps, if you didn’t feel safe enough in being understood to say you are AuDHD, you could say you have a lot of sensory sensitivities and might find the process quite difficult, so ask them to keep letting you know what will be happening during it.